she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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