Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
