i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
