I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
