She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize