do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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