U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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