Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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