I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
