I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
