Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
