i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
