I just threw up on my dentist
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
