Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
