i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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