Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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