my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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