Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
