she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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