I'm eating all of the evidence.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
