You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Im part way to drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
