the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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