WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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