i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
