seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
