i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
