Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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