Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
