so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
