You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
