A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
