the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So many bounce houses so little time
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
