Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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