Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
