Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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