Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
