...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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