is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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