i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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