at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize