there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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