Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
