My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
