Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
