Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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