I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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