when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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