Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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