Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
