I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
