apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
