Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
