If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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