God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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